As you embark on your first college spring break, your father and I have a few things we’d like to share with you. Consider these words of wisdom based on our vast years of experience. As you know, he and I have led our lives on-the-edge, so we’re hoping to save you from some awkward and perhaps dangerous situations.
Since you will be in a beach community,
1. Double-knot all bikini ties. This prevents anyone from simply pulling a string, you losing your suit and the pictures going viral.
2. In fact, to avoid any possibility, don’t wear your swimsuit at all. Long sleeves and long pants will prevent you from getting a sunburn.
3. Actually, just so you don’t get overheated wearing long sleeves and long pants, you might just stay inside during the entire spring break, even at night. Mosquitoes there are very dangerous and highly poisonous.
4. Be a trendsetter. Read a book. Go visit a nursing home. Pick up litter by the side of the road. Don’t feel like you have to socialize with members of the opposite sex.
5. Actually, you should know that despite rumors to the contrary, guys do not really like socializing during spring break. They really like to be left alone. They will appreciate it if you keep far, far away from them.
6. Make sure you keep a lid on all of your beverages, with only a spot for the straw. That’s to keep bugs and drugs out of what you drink.
7. Actually, don’t even drink. If you get thirsty, you might just chew gum. That way you don’t have to risk anything. Or, stop by the hospital and have them give you intravenous fluids. You can stay at the hospital for a while and help do good deeds for the patients. Those will be the people who wore bikinis and had their lids off their beverages.
8. Lock all doors.
9. Don’t take candy or anything else from strangers.
10. Consider everyone a stranger.
And Finally, your father’s advice,
11. Be careful and have fun.
Please check in with us so we know you are safe and having a good time. And let’s have a special phrase just in case you are in trouble (we will never forget “Taken”).
Mom and Dad
P.S. I’m really sorry I left out the “don’t speed in Georgia” rule. My bad.